I literally cannot even belive it has been almost a week since I had Rylynn!
It was everything I had hoped and so much more. I know so many question why I wanted to have her here at home, but I can tell you it was such a blessed experience, so very different from my hospital births!
First, this baby decided she wanted to stay until after her due date, which was several weeks longer than any of her three sisters and totally new for mommy! During the last four weeks we had many many many long nights of contractions and wondering if that would be the night. The last two weeks before she came I had finally begun to feel as though she wouldn't come, not that i was desperate I just felt so strange about it suddenly- like my pregnancy was going backwards and I felt further from holding her in my arms.
Then, of course, things got emotional and I spent a lot of time alone in the bath in tears trying to pray and figure out what my deal was. Yes, i was uncomfortable but I wasn't feeling frustrated to be going to my due date, I just had some heaviness that prevented me from getting excited about the baby.
After a particularly trying morning I stomped out to the car to vacuum it out (i was NOT putting my baby in that dirty car, haha) and started texting with my mom and listening to worship crying out for the Lord to help me understand why i was fighting so hard.
Fear. Not about labor, about letting go of my dream of having a son. We have both felt for years that the Lord was preparing us to also have a son among these beautiful girls, and we felt like this would be it. But then the month before I conceived this baby we lost another and were certain it was a boy. So my fear had morphed into believing that maybe that boy was our promise and he was lost to us. What about those little dinosaur jammies, dirty little face and stick swords.... things my heart has been desperate to experience, to watch Bryce sit on a dock next to a little boy and toss stones in the water. Seeing a mini daddy. And so, because we had prayed and felt that this baby was to be a surprise, we didn't know what we were having and I had built up such an anxiety about it that I just couldn't dream about the identity of THIS child.
Bryce and I talked it over and I cried some more, spoke with my wonderful midwives about it the next day, Tuesday, and finally felt released to celebrate whoever this baby would be, that the Lord is in charge of his own promises and if a son was one of them- He was in control of that. I would never have been upset to find this baby was a girl for wanting her to change, more so knowing i would never have a son, as we're quite certain we're done having children.
So, after giving that piece of it to the Lord we both felt ecstatic, that we would feel just as thrilled to find we had a daughter than a son! The very next morning my labor started up at 8am!
We took off for the store to get groceries and keep me moving, then to the gym and I walked 2 miles around the track to keep the contractions coming. By this point they were regular, couldnt walk or talk through them, but they weren't super painful (i have a high pain tolerance). After that we came home and got the kids fed and to bed and decided to lay down for a bit. My contractions slowed to every 8-10 minutes and then just sort of petered out. I called Deidre at four to see if she wanted me to get up and walk and keep them coming or just let my body do what it would. Since I had already walked so much she preferred I just let my body rest and see what happened. I got up to make the kids dinner, and as I did the two big girls ran up, laid hands on my belly and prayed that the baby would come:) I love their faith and trusted that the Lord had something in mind! I baked a cheesecake for the next days Thanksgiving we would be hosting and ate dinner Bryce made for us. By the time I sat down the contractions started coming in hard and enough that i was getting uncomfortable, that was about 6pm. I sent Deidre a quick text and told her I'd keep an eye on them. I was really enjoying having this day to labor with my children there, they were so sweet and loving and were very excited to meet the baby, though they didn't quite understand why mommy had to be in pain for the baby to come. Bryce went in and out them to bed around 7:30 and by this time I was almost unable to communicate at all, I needed him every three minutes or more to press counter pressure on my lower back or i was swimming in so much pain I couldnt calm down. He got the kids in bed and I snuck them a kiss between contractions. I was feeling so much pain and pressure that he decided to call Deidre and fill up the pool. As he ran around taking care of stuff I just tried to focus on worship music and finding some position that would give the pain in my back some relief. I focused on the wave and allowing the baby to move down and get ready for delivery. Deidre and Andrea arrived a little after 8pm and began running around like crazy getting all of their stuff set up for birth. As they walked through the door i screamed for Bryce to run in and put counter pressure on my back, they knew it was pretty serious then! I briefly remember Deidre asking for an extension cord and i pulled one out just as a contraction hit and tossed it behind me toward her, I heard her say "she's definitely in labor!" I felt so bad but man i was focused on survival! A few times Bryce had to get in my face and tell me to focus and that I could do this, I was just overwhelmed by the back labor!
Andrea had me lay down to check me and listen to the baby, which sounded good, and I remember as she was checking i just kept saying " i better be a five because i NEED that pool!" So imagine my relief when she said I was an eight! I almost cried I was so happy it would be over soon! I hopped in the pool immediately and felt even the smallest relief with the heat across my back! Bryce was running trying to get supplies together and add music i wanted and water to the pool that I went through three contractions in the pool by myself until I said "Im feeling like i need to push" Deidre gave me the go ahead to start that process as they finished up getting the room ready. By this point we have no pictures, my mother in law is on her way but there's no way she'll make it, and Bryce doesn't even remember knowing i was pushing! I was on my hands and knees and chin tucked pushing for several minutes just letting her moving down with each contraction trying to stay calm. Finally I yelled for him to get in the pool and push on my back as she was coming down, He did fully dressed, and Deidre held my face and looked at me and smiled, telling me to slow my breathing down and tuck my face down and focus. I kept reaching down to try and help my body stretch to help her head, but Bryce kept thinking i was checking myself and told me to stop, but i could feel her fluffy hair and knew she would be arriving soon! I pushed really really hard that time and most of her head was out! I tried to then push and also guide her head out but was guiding her up which got her shoulder stuck, so Deidre had me stop and had to push her back in a little and help guide her back down, then one more push and she was out. Deidre said "Kaylee pick up your baby!" so i scooped her up and sat back, "it's a girl!" and I gotta say, i was not disappointed at all:) She was gorgeous! Dark hair and big:) It took a second to get her to respond but Deidre just calmly rubbed her back until she started to cry and wrapped us in a towel. We carefully got out of the pool and up on the bed with dry towels. Within a few minutes her placenta followed and daddy got to cut her cord.
Rylynn Brooke Miller was born at 8:47pm weighing 8 pounds and 20 inches long. By far my biggest baby!
The experience was amazing, I loved that the people in the room with me were those that were deeply invested in my pregnancy, in my family and in my heart. They knew me, what i wanted and hoped for, they prayed for me, they blessed me with wisdom and encouragement, they treated me like I was amazing (i felt like a total wimp!) and they celebrated with me! They included my husband, loved on my kids and were there every step to talk about everything with me. I was comfortable and confident with my home birth experience, and I wish that every mom could have one like this! Also, just can't beat sleeping in your own bed without all the poking and blood pressure and strangers trying to watch you nurse or bother you because you won't vaccinate on day one. It was wonderful, Bryce was relaxed and involved, the best coach and help I could have dreamed of, and he was SO excited for another girl! He helped me through the doubts and fears and helped me see that we were getting the gift the Lord had for us, and boy is she beautiful!
Her name means Distinct refreshing stream, which i believe to be a wonderful fit for her. I know she has much to teach me and so much to add to our family! The girls were elated to meet her the next morning, and have since loved every minute with her!
Honestly, once she was born, I felt a little sad that my journey with my midwives would be over soon, it has been such a wonderful experience I don't know if Im ready to not be seeing them every week!
Thank you Deidre, Cynthia and Andrea for blessing us with your service and expertise! We LOVED having you join our family and we will miss seeing you each week!
