Greedy

Lately I've been thinking a lot about being greedy. I suppose it comes from our newest lesson we've had to teach our oldest girl Lucy. The other day she just would NOT share these random toys she had gotten attached to that day. Literally- a cup, a comb, two plastic rings, a baby crunchy paper toy thing and some random other stuff. Anyway her sister was trying to sit by her and play but Lucy was having none of it. She was screaming and crying and carrying on that Bryn was taking her special things. So Bryce tried the "stand with your nose in the corner" which she HATES, thus sometimes it is effective. Continually she would step out and go back to her selfishness. Tired of trying to help her understand the merits of sharing and how God shares with us, I asked her which was more important to her, sister or toys? When she replied toys i immediately filled with a mix between anger and defensiveness of my other daughter and complete and utter failure as a mother. Bryce and I stood up, and emptied her room and toy area completely of toys. The entire time she was screaming and crying so hard her dress was soaked and anguish had taken over. I knew in my heart it was right, because that was RIDICULOUS. All the while Bryn is trying to share her things with Lucy to help her feel better. Lucy was instructed that until she could learn how important her sister is and how to value people she would not have toys to play with. I have not regretted this decision as I've been able to watch a whole new girl appear of whom i am so pleased! Also during this time we've decided to take June off of Netflix shows and any movies at all (we don't have t.v.). I just last week decided i was also finished with facebook for a while. I really cannot describe the clarity i feel. It may sound strange but I am now able to see that we just got lost in the entertainment of stuff all the time we forgot how to be creative and use our minds to do anything. It's also quite remarkable how quiet God seems when you're so busy- and then suddenly when all other distractions are gone you hear him loud and clear and frequently. No wonder we've been waiting for answers for so long! We probably couldn't even hear what our next step should be! It has been beautiful to watch the kids invent new games, though i am much more tired these days being that they were getting out EVERY toy EVERY day! Until we took them away, then every book came out and was read, as well as all of the coloring books and couch cushions turned into forts. What a beautiful life we have! I just feel like i'm reveling in how lucky i am to have this time with my three beauties. I look at Lucy, then back to Avery and i cannot even believe she was once that small! It really is like a flash and they're grown- so i am determined to absorb them and all of their silliness while they're still confident to show it to me! The other day Bryce and i went on a date- SO good to have time together- anyways we were talking about the kids and i was saying our children are going to have some ridiculous stories on me when they're older. Honestly i suppose you'd have to be my child or husband to truly see what life is like here with me- a small glimpse- every single day at lunch time i sing the "peanut butter jelly time" song (on youtube) and dance around the house for them. They LOVE it (right now.) But I want them to know that being a goof is perfectly acceptable. I am comfortable with me, i am confident in myself and I want them to know they're secure in each part of their personalities as well. I suppose back to my greedy thoughts. I feel like we get so greedy all caught up in what "I want" and "what makes ME feel better" and all of those selfish things that we are just constantly satiating ourselves to the point of almost bursting. Then we just fall into a restless sleep wondering why it is we can't get our minds to relax, why we feel over weight and uncomfortable, why our children don't respect us and we realize we don't even know them, and why so many souls are so lost and alone. We just want to cover up worries, bury the bad and the heartbreaking and pretend something else is our life. We end up relating our situations with T.V. sitcoms and thinking somehow that's normal- but that was taped months ago with actors and half cardboard cutouts painted like a living room. I am so guilty of this- being selfish. Getting my own mind focused on whatever i want and being unwilling to change it. I catch myself actually going so far as to say "I just want to wind down and zone out on nothing." So i fill my mind with meaningless fake stuff like actors playing a role that's as real as the laughter in the background of it. Thus i am trying to learn the lesson Lucy has learned a week ago- to take away all those things i cling to and learn to also value relationships. My relationship with her, her sisters, my husband and so many others that i have "zoned" away from for a long time. I want to be a friend, and i can't do that if i'm so focused on "me" problems. The other day I was telling an old friend, whom is going through a lot of life changes at the moment, that they don't ever stop. So when you focus on your troubles and let that run your life thinking "when this is over I'll..." you'll never get there! I find myself doing that all the time! Because really when does it ever stop? When does it get easier, when do big things stop happening and things stop changing? Better yet don't we want to keep changing and maturing? I do! Thus I don't want to do that in my life anymore, I want to value those things in my relationship enough now to demand time for them.

Updates, MOPS, Chicks, etc.

I don't know if it's summer that helps my perspective, or just this season of life we're in right now- but I've just been so gratefully blessed by all the little things in my life. My girls are growing up so fast. It delights me to see them grow and learn new things, yet it also breaks my heart and i find that i am regularly fighting tears watching them grow. Lucy will be four in September. FOUR. Is that possible? I cannot believe time flew so fast. She has the most beautiful long shiny brown curly hair, sweet blue eyes and a paler skin tone. She is happy and organized, sweet and thoughtful, adventurous and a very very quick learner. She never misses a beat. She reminds me so much of myself as a child in her flair for the dramatic, it seriously makes me laugh. Brynlee is our sweet little comedian. She will be TWO next month! I look at how fast her hair has grown and listen to the little sentences she picks up regularly and I just marvel that she was once so tiny and is now getting so big! She is built more like her dad, long torso and short stocky legs. She's got his hair color (dark sandy blond) and my more olive skin tone. She is seriously the funniest child I've ever been around! She makes everything a joke, loves the outdoors and anything messy. She is trying to potty train a little here and there and it cracks me up, she even does THAT funny! She follows her sister everywhere yelling and trying to take her stuff and somehow blame it on Lucy and get her in trouble, sly little booger. Her favorite thing to say is "I love you SO much, across the river!" Of course it sounds more like "I yuv you O mush, cross da RIVA!" but you get what i'm saying :) And our sweetie little Avery... Oh my here i thought she would be our mellow kid and so far she is NOT. She is happy, don't get me wrong, but now that she's moving, she does NOT stop. She will just roll and roll and roll, and do that throw-the-head-back-into-your-chest-when-sitting-on-your-lap thing. She is going on SEVEN months old now! My little surprise, growing up so fast! She LOVES her sisters, wants to be where they are all the time. She is also a very vigorous eater since finding out table food was for her too, she will seriously scream at me until i stick some of my food in her mouth! She is fun, very happy, very sweet. Her hair is turning bleach white blond, so right now it looks really neat with the white roots and the darker dirty blond at the tips. The Lord has been showing me a lot of really great stuff lately. First, I really want to be an unoffendable person. I know it's not a word but the point is still made- I want to know who i am so confidently that I let any sort of offense roll right off my back. Those people tend to be easier friends. I want to be a better friend, i want to worry less that no one will like my goofiness once they see it and more that I am who God created me to be. I know there are people out there who need a friend, a friend like Jesus and maybe if i could look and act more like him I could be that type of friend. Plus it takes way too much energy and emotion to constantly feel like someone doesn't like you. I don't want people to feel like they have to be sensitive with me. Through that whole thing I also have felt for months like I am supposed to start a moms group here in town. I really have doubts that i'll be the right kind of leader for this type of group but nonetheless I will be doing what I'm told by the Lord and stepping out in faith. So, I am currently working to start a MOPS group here in Waldport. There isn't one for at least 50 miles and i know a ton of moms with youngens that need fellowship and friends (myself included.) My dear husband assures me that I am gifted in this area and can totally make this happen, so with prayer and obedience i am blindly stepping out hoping i'm not the only one in this area needing some camaraderie! What a gift Bryce is to me, always encouraging, loving and accepting. He confronts me in positive careful ways and is gracious to forgive and move on. I adore him, literally more than ever and next month we will celebrate FIVE YEARS OF MARRIAGE! They have been amazing years, and boy am i ever grateful that we waited for the right person and found each other on that plane to Africa. What an inspiring man he is! Also- update on our tiny farm, um i LOVE having chickens:) Everyone has been teasing me because of how i've adopted them as my own little youngens but hey, they don't have a mommy so i guess ill have to suffice. The other day the dog somehow got their pen door open and chased Missy out (my nickname for Mrs. Butterworth) and i had to follow her feathers, barefoot in the mist to find her huddling below the empty house next door. She ran FAST across the driveway toward my parents and into the hedge, but eventually i got her pinned down to the ground and put back i her house. It reminded me of Africa- trying to help the Komani people catch their wild chickens for a meal, they are FAST and very agile! Anyway, it has give us both the major desire to have more animals, more land, all of that stuff. We're natural born ranchers i suppose- so someday we hope to have a lot more going on! What a blessed life we lead, no matter whats around the corner (which we really don't have direction on where we're headed yet as far as new stages of life) we'll just keep on following and enjoying the moments we have together!

Back to Nutrition

Okay- so i may have sidelined my blog for a while- tangents are impossible to avoid in my head and apparently in my blogs as well! So... thus brings me to our next step toward total organic eating. In a small town it can work out one of two ways- either your grocery stores only have a tiny organic section and you don't have a lot of places to get stuff, but you can go to people you know who milk their own cows and goats, sell at the farmers market, or there is a town co-op you can order through. The other is probably that you live in a bigger city with natural food stores or larger organic sections in your Dillons or Fred Meyer. We have found an incredible co-op that probably also delivers to your state and possibly town- called Azure Standard. This co-op is based out of Oregon, my home state, and sells all organic natural foods. We have begun ordering almost all of our groceries from them and LOVE it! They deliver once a month and through co-op you don't have to pay shipping as long as your drop point makes the minimum(550 total, each order of 50). There are lots of co-ops out there, you just have to delve into some culture first to find out who knows about them! Our next step, as i prefaced, was picking up six little chicklets yesterday! They are SO cute! We have two black ones and four yellow ones that will be red when they are grown. They are just over a week old and live in my utility room in a red rubbermaid box under a heat lamp. Messy little buggers too! The girls love them! We already decided on names, because Bryce and I share a bizarre sense of humor- we have named the black ones Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth. Our red ones are named Myrtle, Gertrude, Ethel and Hortense. I know but old clucky hens needed older lady names, they're the only ones that fit! haha I know, i know you're wondering how weird we are... just don't ask, you may not want to know! Anyway, we figure in 9-12 months these organic fed little ladies will produce us about an egg a day each! Big brown beautiful organic eggs. If you've ever had one, you KNOW you cannot get an egg so good anywhere else! We decided we will keep them here but if family wants to put money in for food we will share eggs. Just an idea! Also i have stumbled onto a very rich and delicious food that the girls actually love! About a month ago my mom made us a snack out in the sunshine of apples and dates, they were SO good! When you eat a date and a slice of organic apple together- it tastes like caramel apples! My husband says I have a terrible sweet tooth, so finding something that's actually healthy and tastes sweet is perfect for me. My kids like them too, so I'll just keep them around. They are packed with fiber, iron, oil, calcium, sulphur, potassium, phosphorus, manganese, magnesium and copper. Dates help in fighting a lot health problems. So try one:) We did a fast a couple weeks ago for Easter, I did a partial juice fast since i am still breastfeeding Avery, but ate only organic food and all natural juices we made ourselves with our masticating juicer (does TONS of things, will make pasta, nut butters, juices, grinds coffee beans or food, and will mill flour from grains). We broke our fast with organic foods as a church body Saturday night, but through that cleansing and commitment to eat so well I noticed that after that each time i have eaten food at a restaurant or anything that was GMO or not organic i got really sick! So it's amazing what an incredible change it does on your body. I feel so much more energized, my body has put on muscle much faster during resistance training and I don't have as many stomach problems from eating junk. I suppose that's all for today, but i must include this snippet of conversation i observed while writing this, all i can say is like mother like daughter.... I overheard Lucy while wearing just her panties standing on the couch swinging a cup around at a microscopic spider say this... "Dang it spider, i wasn't trying to hurt you, i was trying to kill you! You need to die, why cant i kill you, i need TO KILL IT, he's climbing quick, i have to kill it, oh no its running, i didn't mean to kill you, i want to kill you spider. Mom i meant to kill it but it didn't hear me! I want it OUT of the house, i'm gonna kill it RIGHT now. If he's gonna climb the wall i'm gonna nail him, oh no! I want him to die! i DONT WANT THE SPIDER TO HURT ME. Up spider up up up. Spider, up up find the mommy spider quick " all while weilding a cup that she keeps smacking into the wall... Finally i decided to put her out of her misery, "Lu do you want me to kill it for you?" And so i did and she felt much better, made me promise we'd never let one in the house again! Have a great day!

Being real

I suppose it's okay for me to admit that my marriage is not perfect.
It's really amazing, what I believe to be a true and incredible gift from God. I also believe that the way Bryce and I walk through our marriage is the way God intended it to be. Pursue, pursue, pursue with a side of always working toward unconditional love.

But one thing I'm learning from my side of this picture is this:

Walls between you and your spouse are built one stone at a time, most of them small and seemingly unimportant.

It seems like the walls start with just deciding you'll stay mad even though they've apologized, or allowing the other to walk out of the room sad and alone and leave them there. Going to bed angry might be one, or refusing to take their advice and change something in your life for the better.

I am amazed by how easy it is for our human nature to step in and push and kick and scream and throw our little fits at our partner and then still EXPECT THEM to come fix it. What effort did I put in? If I'm being stubborn and ungrateful, no matter how much pursuing he does I'll still be stubborn and ungrateful unless I choose to change my attitude.

So many times it seems that we think the problem lies in our spouse- THEY have GOT to change or this thing won't work. I've heard it from married couples before. If that's your attitude, no amount of changing on their part is actually going to help you. Until you step back and decide that no matter their response, you're going to choose love and forgiveness and serve however you can, your marriage will continue to be agonizing. I have seen, and found out myself that the best moments in marriage are when you've served and laid down your own life for theirs.

Thus i repeat, walls start with little stones, ones we think won't matter- hanging onto something we feel is important and bringing it up at a later date... "I'll do __ for him/her, but I will NOT do ___." My goal is to make sure those little stones get swept away every single time i lay them there, before any others can be piled on.

It's worth it, marriage can be heavenly, it can endure quite a lot and still survive- if you can get rid of those walls and be open and vulnerable enough to let your partner in, KNOWING they WILL disappoint and hurt you at some point, but if you can stay open through that the Lord will protect your heart and reward your patience and openness.

Saying Goodbye

The Lord calls people in new directions in his timing it seems, not just when we're ready. Our beloved pastors for the past seven years have been called to a new place, for something truly incredible. God has opened so many amazing doors for them and I am so excited to hear what comes of it!

But... it has lead our church body into a season of grieving.

I walked up to their house Friday, knowing it would be the last time i saw them before they left. I saw Kelsey sitting on the porch and immediately I remembered the day they were introduced to our church as the new pastors, Kelsey wasn't much older than my Brynlee. I remembered babysitting her at my house, playing "house" with her and Ashley. I remembered getting in trouble for still picking her up when i was eight months pregnant with Lucy. I remembered watching them ride bikes at Diamond Lake years ago. I remembered roasting marshmallows at family camp, playing tag, and all the beautiful cards she's made me over the years. I stepped past Max and remembered going over for dinner when he had just come home as a tiny puppy, tried chewing on Lucy's shoes. A.J. is so grown up, turning into an remarkable man, with a deeper voice, tall and fast, sweet and handsome. I remember every time I see Ashley how difficult it was for Julie to cut her hair for the first time, it was the most beautiful dark ringlet curls, like my Lucy's.
Inside I saw us having dinner talking about our dreams for the youth group, for growth in the church, for giving. I saw Julie at women's retreats, on worship team and laughing together at worship practice, teaching us how to scrap, taking all my family photo's, coming to the hospital to see my babies, bringing flowers to me for each and when Bryce was in the hospital. I remember what it felt like to receive those flowers, a card and even money to help us through those months he was sick. How Arte came all the way to Portland to sit and pray and talk with us for a few hours in that little room on the seventh floor.
I remember the day Arte asked Bryce if he'd be the youth pastor. I remember looking to the front during "meet and greet" to see Arte with his hand on Bryce's shoulder teaching him and encouraging his spiritual gifts, helping to develop him. I smile seeing the circle of men praying over Arte before each sermon, men of God united by and sacrifice and brotherly love. I see all of the baptisms he's done, including my sister in law. I can remember all the times he got excited during a sermon, the jokes he'd make, the times he'd get choked up, the time he made Bryce eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I know this doesn't mean a lot to many of you, so i thank you for allowing me to share my heart.
Change is so hard sometimes, it's overwhelming- it brings memories and images and hopes that feel lost. A leader leaving means saying goodbye, grieving friends, mentors, family. It has me really thinking about heaven though. Truly I know that it will never be the same when we do get to see this beautiful family again. They will only be visiting, with limited time. We were so blessed to have them for such an important and AWESOME season that we had them! Our church has grown so much it is ready to sprout and shoot out of the building- we've been filling up with barely standing room in the back! We've branched into lots of new ministries in our community, new events, a new love for Jesus that is infectious in all the good ways;). Weeping may remain for the night but rejoicing comes in the morning! (Psalm 30:5)
Heaven is going to be unbelievable, and I am so honored and excited to spend it with this amazing family. It might just be the next span of time we get to spend with them, but we will have eternity to worship together! They have been an inspiration, always focusing on love and eternity, reaching out to all of Waldport.
I have said goodbye to friends like these before. I knew at my Honor Academy graduation that we would never all be together again, most of them I'd never see in this life after that day. Yet there was joy even in our grieving because we'd met kindred spirits in our love for Christ and knew that no matter what we would all reunite at the banquet table someday and what a DAY THAT WILL BE!

Arte and Julie- It's been an honor to serve with you, you two are going with God and Canada won't know what hit them:) You are a force to be reckoned with. You have gifts that are effective and unique. You be used and equipped by the creator for every good work:)
Love you!

Agape

Definition: Agape is selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love, the highest of the four types of love in the Bible.

This Greek word and variations of it are found throughout the New Testament. Agape perfectly describes the kind of love Jesus Christ has for his Father and for his followers:

Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them. (John 14:21, NIV)

I've been reflecting on this a lot lately, what would it look like to live this way? Sacrificial, unconditionally loving each individual you come into contact with, being selfless. I have a couple of close friends that have each been going through their own set of difficulty in/just out of marriage and it got me thinking. My heart truly aches for these people, marriage was meant to show the relationship the Lord has with the church, the beautiful way the church was meant to look out for each other, to take care of the needs of your neighbor without expectations in return. But how good are we at exemplifying this to our spouse?

Recently my husband Bryce has been working night shifts, which (for those of you who've never worked nights) means he's exhausted ALL the time and really has 1 less day off between shifts as he has to switch back eating and sleeping. This was the specific reason i drug my feet a little when he presented this idea to me back in September of last year when they began "bidding" for shifts. My husband works in corrections and nights bring a much needed relief from being called the most foul names from the most foul mouthed the county has to offer. I knew it would be good for him, help bring him back to his normal happy self, but i was being selfish and knew he'd sleep all day and we would literally have NO time without the kids on his work days. The Lord convicted me of this bad attitude and thus, i jumped on board with support. He has been SO much happier that it has been so worth it! But he has definitely been exhausted, worn down to the point that he passes out 20 minutes after he gets home and wakes up 20 minutes before he leaves. This allows me 40 minutes to see him a day (when the kids are awake and active).
I suppose i should get to the point of this back story- I do not like sharing my husband. It's really something i'm working on, but truth is I'd really like to hog him all to myself and handcuff him to me forever. He's really amazing, for all of you who don't know this- sorry he's been stuck to me for 5 years;) Anyway i will try and allow you time with him in the future, though i keep his schedule pretty tight only allowing a couple hours a week to be on his own (in case you're unsure, I'm TOTALLY joking). The man is amazing, he is giving and faithful, he does not ever doubt the Lord even for a moment. He can store incredible amounts of knowledge in his brain and remembers the events of the bible pretty dead on all the time! If you know me you know that I can't even remember which world war was fought where. SO this is incredible to me, i can try and make some sort of remark about history and he always corrects me gently. Anyway, he's hilarious, he's forgiving, he chooses not be bothered by little things and does not hold onto grudges or hurts. He is an awesome friend to many, a great mentor and a loyal follower of Jesus.
How in the world did I land him? I seriously ask myself this sometimes, it seems like every area i lack he is right there to balance it all out. I am sometimes unsure what i add to this equation. He always pursues me, in romance and in arguments, he weighs his feelings and thoughts before speaking. I like to throw up my defensive walls, skulk to my corner and think about what happened and why in the world i'm reacting so poorly.
Bryce has taught me the meaning of agape. He is selfless and loves me unconditionally, he sacrifices a lot for me.

I've decided lately that I want to be better at Agape love, not only to my husband but to everyone i meet and everyone i know. I want to bring patience and honesty with me everywhere, sometimes sacrificing my comfort to bless those around me. There's a new song my dad played for me recently by Mac Powell "When love sees you" from the perspective of Jesus
"Tell me your story, show me your wounds
and I'll show you what love sees, when love looks at you"
This song really hit me, how am I really like Jesus if I'm not doing this? Do i make my life about this very thing, showing people what love sees? Do i love without concern of what others may think, or what might happen to me? Do i sacrifice the safety and comfort of my own "stuff" to find out what someone else might need?
I chose to start this new lifestyle in my own home. The other day Bryce was in the middle of his days off and just couldn't get himself to wake up, my heart was feeling hurt that he wouldn't get up and spend time with me- so i chose to wash, oil and massage his feet, and later give him a face massage as well as let him stay asleep until almost noon. I'm definitely not trying to brag on myself, my point to say that I felt amazing doing this, the act of choosing to bless him even when i wanted to be hurt made ME feel better! My heart changed to pure joy and love toward him, I was able to feel empathy for how hard he was working for me and the kids. He woke up at 11:30 feeling great and we had an awesome day after that! If i had chosen to be hurt all it would have earned me was a miserable day because he'd have felt bad but been unable to help his exhaustion. This way we both won, and i felt so good that i was able to help him relax and snap out of his tiredness faster.
We've been married five years, the most rewarding and incredible years of my life. He has taught me so many amazing things about the Lord, and our relationship has become deeper and more beautiful each passing day that we have together. We are flawed, we choose to be selfish at times, we refuse to let go of pride others, but one thing is sure- we want to be teachable, to learn wisdom, and to always strive to love unconditionally no matter what. Practicing this kind of love at home sets us up for success when we come into contact with people outside these four walls. I want my children to see me as ever learning and changing, striving to put others before myself each day.
God is so good, and the prime example of agape love. Marriage is supposed to exemplify His love for His bride- which i find that the church is often flawed in so many ways, ways that can be so offensive to those searching within its doors for truth and hope. Marriage can be this way too, we're searching within our marriage for truth and hope, and sometimes our partner responds with agape love, and sometimes we reject the notion and push them out with our desire for things to be "just so."
Truth is, the real church, the way God intended it, is NOT "just so." We cannot control it, and it really does not need to be controlled, it just needs to be loved. The church- those searching for acceptance and love from Jesus, just need those of us who are a part of it to sacrifice for her, to lay down our life and our comforts to unconditionally, selflessly love those who walk through our doors, and those in the world who will not.

Our goal is to Honor God. No matter the cost.
Elevation Worship, "For the Honor" is my very favorite song right now. Because no matter what God brings to my life- I would choose to Honor Him even if I had nothing. Even if i had everything. The only reason for my life is to bring Him Honor.

My mothers legacy...

Over the course of four years, since my first pregnancy with Lucy, my mother has become more my mentor, my friend, and my hero. She's always been these things to me, but becoming a mother myself put her in a whole new light for me. She has always been beautifully protected, knowing what lines to draw with your children to protect them from worry or guilt. As a child i always knew how much she loved me, how much she was willing to give up just for me, and sometimes how overwhelming four whining voices can be!
The moment Lucy was born my mom stood to my left, my husband on the right. I remember looking from my new baby, to my husband, and then to her- tears running down her cheeks at her pure joy at seeing her little girl give birth. In that moment i felt a connection to her I'd never had before, i finally knew what the love of a mother really was, the most intense feeling of love I've ever experienced. It us unlike the love i have for my husband in that she is our creation, the pure expression of our love for each other.
So many new stages have come and gone with my children, my mom has been there to listen to my anger, fear, tears and hopes. She encourages me to seek the Lord in how i raise my children, to be consistent and to love without holding back.
Just recently I was sharing with her how lost I become in the everyday at times. We have a schedule that just scoots the day by so quickly at times that i can't even remember what day it is and often wake up feeling panicked trying to recall if today is sunday and i need to get the kids ready quickly (this takes two hours with all three of them, and one of me to do all of it). My mom is amazing, truly she is and she knew my desperation from a heart of experience. A few days later she brought me a journal she had written when i was little, a raw deep expression of prayers from a young Christian mothers heart, to show me how she dealt with the things i'm going through right now. The Lord told her it would be okay, and she trusted me with her thoughts.
What a beautiful gift! It has meant more to me than words can express, as we tend to dismiss advice of old but this journal gives me the unedited version of my mothers stresses, hopes, dreams, fears and frustrations- the exact same ones i deal with on a regular basis. She's always told me that she'd parent as best she could and then pray that the Lord would fill the gaps each night as she counted her failures. I have done this innumerable times, feeling inadequate for the time i could have been playing but sat folding laundry, or should have spent time reading with them, teaching them letters or going outside.
Reading through her thoughts I am reminded of so many biblical words... Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. He met Mary in her time of need, by our standards today she would have been judged poorly and looked down upon because she was an unwed poor, pregnant teenager. He has met every mother in every generation with the same burdens, hopes, fears, frustrations and hurts. He met my mom when I was little, and today I call her blessed for the sacrifices she made for me and my brothers. She always backed my dad up, she always loved even through complaints, she made sure we ate healthy, dressed nice, went and had fun, kept us safe from every bad character she could. She may look back and count the things she may have changed, but i look back and count the things i should have been more graciously thankful for!
Her words and my experience during those same years seem so different, yet in regards to us i see so much pride and love, she would have given anything for us and often did. When i was a teenager i remember trying to force her to buy herself socks and some new shirts, she just gave up any desire for new things in order that we would be provided for. It was beautiful, the incredible example of a mother that i get to follow and i know many others do as well. It reminds me that my time with my little ones is very short, my impact great, and their need intense. It reminds me that the things i feel have been felt by mothers across the globe for generations. It reminds me that God made a mothers heart exactly this way- to wake early in the morning thinking of her children, their needs, their desires, their precious spirit, that he created me to love my children with raw deep emotion, to guard my words as not to wound, but give them unabashedly to Him.
What an incredible season he has given me, and in this season i not only get to review my own thoughts and feelings, but i have hers to cry with, to agree with and to cherish as she spoke of her love for me each day. What an honor being called "mom" really is, I know when i say it to her it holds new meaning, and a new love.