Your children become what you speak over them.

Think about it: If we become what we think about, which i've come to the conclusion after reading many books like "Secrets of the Millionaire mind," "Think and grow rich," "as a man thinketh," "God's creative power" and listening to "The strangest secret," that this is definitely true; what do our children think about? When they are young, still at home with us, what do they think about? Whatever we teach them, allow into their lives via friends, family, movies, games, parties etc, these things shape their young thoughts. If a child is spoken to in harsh terms and told they're always "naughty" what will they always be? NAUGHTY. Before you wonder where in the world i get this stuff, please remember i do have three children of my own! I can tell you honestly that each child was a different sort of baby, each pregnancy was different, and each of my children are different. I can tell you honestly- after reading these books and studying the power of words from the bible- i have truly understood what this principle has done for my own life. For example, when i was very young in school a teacher told my mom that i had not been tested but must suffer from a learning disability. As never diagnosed, the statement had already done it's damage as my mom then believed this about me and tried to help me through the next 12 years of school. As a senior in high school i received a 4.25 grade point average and STILL believed i was not a smart kid. I must not be destined for anything great. I was given a full ride to a small community college for sports and opted not to take it so that i could stay close to home in case i didn't "do well" in college. Just a few years ago i was praying about some things and as we were talking at a family event this disability came up and I decided to speak to my mom in private about it. After which she studied through the bible to write scriptures and prayers for me rebuking what had been spoken over me and speaking life. Since then i've not struggled with this thought in my mind even once, because the chain of the lie was broken. Now i don't share this with you to gain pity or to make you think that i do have a disability- my point is I did NOT have a disability, and I have never had a hard time picking things up, but because i believed this about myself from a young child it effected my success and my choices as i became an adult. I can even offer another example for you :) Each of my children slept through the night beautifully for 8 to 12 hours every night since the time they were 2 months old. Many many mothers believe that i am just "lucky" not to have one of their "problem" sleepers. This is SO untrue! I am the same tired, exhausted, desperate mother any of them were. And my children were breastfed before you believe they coma slept because of formula(which is not necessarily true for formula babies anyway.) After a few weeks i was healing well and needed to be close to my husband, to talk and laugh, and have our own space. Thus each of my children moved to their own rooms within the first month after birth. I know some of you co-sleep, that is just not me- and no i do not love my children any less. Each night when they would wake up i would go in and lean over to cuddle close to them while they were still in their crib, check their diaper, see if they were too hot, and prayed for them. I repeated over and over "I love you sweet baby, but Jesus created you to be independent from me and to sleep. He created you to need rest, and He created mommy and daddy to get time alone. You are fine, you are safe, you are loved and Jesus will help you sleep. When you need me, I am here, but you are fine and ready to sleep, goodnight I love you" and I would walk out and allow them to cry for a while before i went back in and repeated the same routine. Very quickly they were sleeping fine and no, they've never shown signs of attachment issues or anything. I truly believe that this is the difference between me and other moms who are always awake! I am not saying mothers that are awake all night with toddlers are bad mothers, I think they are actually quite excellent mothers because they desperately want to make sure their child is not abandoned and knows they are loved. I also have seen many that fear their child will not know they are loved if they are ever left to cry. I believe that how your child thinks and what they know of your love is dependent on how you speak this over them throughout the day, and gently allowing them to learn to sleep alone is only teaching them to choose and think independently of you. You can try over and over to lay them down and do exactly what i did and you can still not have the same results if you don't really believe your child can sleep. I read a profound thought in the book "God's creative power" that reads " Jesus said to me, 'I have told my people they can have WHAT THEY SAY and they are SAYING WHAT THEY HAVE.'" How true is this in our lives? I KNOW it's true in mine. If my child is being naughty, which is in their nature, i am telling people that they are naughty- correct? What if when they are naughty we correct the behavior as we should but we only spoke positive things about them? What would happen then? I have tried this many times and it has transformed the way i think of their behavior and their behavior changed as well! My children are incredible, my children listen, my children love Jesus, these are the things i repeat in my mind and often out loud when they are misbehaving because if God gave me the power to loose things in heaven and bind things on earth, good behavior i will loose and bad behavior i will bind!(Matthew 16:19) This works in every area, I personally am specifically focusing on financially, but it is generally universal! Where you are right now is as a result of how you THINK and then how you ACT! First we think, then we act, then we see the results of all of it and repeat it with disappointment. I don't know about you but i'm tired of this cycle! I'm tired of it for my children and for my finances, marriage, friendships, churches, any thing i interact with. The mothers I have most admired over time are those women who are not emotionally charged when their children misbehave. They are wise and generous, and their children grow up to be calculated and optimistic. They are intelligent and kind, generous and loving, and can adapt to any situation. The reason is not because they never misbehaved or those mothers were "just lucky" it was because they spoke good things over their children! They were patient and kind, and even though their children were difficult at times and stubborn just like ours, they grew up to be incredible adults! My husband and his sister are two incredible examples! These two adapt, are kind, generous, loving, confident and wise. I believe my brothers are also this way! Yes our parents made mistakes with us of course, but they always led us to the Lord and told us that we could do anything we set our mind to. We often think that statement is ridiculous but really we become what we think about, so it is true! There is nothing that makes me more angry than an older mother coming up to me saying things like "just wait until your children are teenagers" "Oh three girls, oh man your house will be terrible when they're teenagers" As soon as i walk away politely i say out loud quietly " I refuse to let them speak over my children in Jesus name those things are NOT my kids, my children will be INCREDIBLE teenagers and women of God!" Because in no way will i let someone else speak horrible things over my kids! I often feel as though i now understand WHY their children are struggling so much, they've had failure spoken over them! My point is to encourage you mothers and fathers, friends and relatives, that you can change the future of your children and those around you by speaking POSITIVELY over them! It will work the same in your own mind and heart, speak GOOD things over yourself and your finances and they will change! Don't complain, blame others, or act the victim- take responsibility for your part and start speaking LIFE about yourself and your children!

Settling in

Well the last four weeks have been a blur! As soon as we arrived the crazy began- within a couple of hours. Our little apartment has been under full on remodel and every single day we seem to hit snags. I am proud to say now, however, that our bathroom is FINISHED! For three weeks we had to run across the driveway and into the house if we needed to go, a lot like camping i'd say. Anyway, we're mostly settled into our new little "place" and beginning to imagine what a new routine is going to look like for us. Honestly... As that is good and necessary for me to step out of survival and into normal- I also am beginning to feel swamped by the emotions that i seem to have mostly not processed as of yet. Sometimes i'll just say to myself "i can't believe we just left everyone!" and it hits hard and fast. Yesterday my bestie and sister in law sent me a picture of her and my nieces and i just broke down in tears for quite a while. Just seeing them makes me feel like i could be there and reach out to hug them. Sort of like a tease i suppose. I knew this move would be difficult for us, Lucy has only known nextdoor to my parents as her home. We have spent our entire marriage in that same house, our girls were each taken to that home when they were born. We made a family there and five years of memories. Lucy has been really struggling lately missing her Ami- as they share the same first name they are also kindred spirits. Ami is her very best friend and it is finally starting to hit her that we're staying away. It has been especially difficult because my heart aches much the same as hers and i don't know how to help it heal. Isn't it incredible how the things we're called by God to do are not simple at all? And usually they make no sense to us until years down the road. When Bryce and I got married we had no intention of moving to my hometown, but the doors flung open and we felt like it was the right move. I never intended to stay so many years, but again we knew we were in the right place. Two years ago i began to understand why. It was to reunite my family. My big brother Matt left when i was a senior in high school and has mostly been removed from my life since then- not by choice but because he was airforce and often stationed out of the Country. During that time it was almost as if he were just gone, he was not a part of anything and when he visited he did not adjust well and we all fought the whole two weeks. So in March of 2010 when he and Lindsay married in Florida and moved back to our hometown i was a bit nervous but excited. He didn't know me anymore, and he didnt know much about Bryce or our daughter Lucy either. IT'd been so long since we held a conversation i was terrified to have him back. I also didn't know if i'd like Lindsay- we'd only spent a few emails worth of conversations besides her wedding week and we all know those don't show true character! In the two years since then I have found a best friend and the return of my big brother to his place in the family. I've watched as the Lord changed and molded the hearts of every single member of my family and been amazed that we are so lucky to have all of us together, spending every Sunday together, talking about the Lord- how to give more, serve more, grow more and learn more. Challenging each other and helping each other up. My brothers have matured into the men i always prayed they would, and two of them have met their match- and the blessing of those two friendships is more than i ever imagined! So i believe that time was to reunite, to grow and learn together, and to be in each others presence when we heard the call of the Lord, all together but all differently,as He sent us in new directions. That direction for us was clearly to come here, and as painful as it has been I am ever grateful for the Lords call on our lives and through this move he has walked beside me closer than ever and i have known His favor and His anointing. It's been an unbelievable ride so far and we know the best is yet to come! I am remembering Philippians 4:11 "I am to be content in all situations" and working hard to remember also that i am responsible for my own attitude, whether i choose to be offended or angry and working to keep emotions like those out of my marriage and parenting. What a gift to be under the wings of Jesus- we are flying high knowing that we're at the right place at the right time. For what we are unsure but we trust that it will all work out as it has a thousand times before when we've taken the leap- so here's to something being at the bottom to catch us!

Winds of Change

Ok. My life has been zooming by so fast lately that i've really not caught my breath in a bit! Bryce and I have felt the Lord calling us back to the mid west for a long time now, for certain since February but we knew it would not be until this summer. So much has happened since that time- we were convinced at one point that we made that all up and there's no way God would move us when we had so much great stuff happening here. During that time we decided to visit Kansas because we were just certain we'd not move and hadn't been back in a year. So in July we flew out and even on the plane i just KNEW we would be moving there, but the Lord had to open both of our eyes together and thus it took a little talking to, but Bryce and i finally agreed that yes we were to move and yes it would need to be soon. I suppose that brings us to now. We leave here, the beautiful Oregon coast, for Kansas in less than two weeks! It is absolutely a shock to my system still but so beautiful in many ways. My family has been nothing BUT support- and we'eve each dealt with the emotions of separation as they've come. I've come to know my very deepest friends here, though luckily they reside within my own family as my two sister in laws! My mom and i have also been very close since i graduated high school(we may have been too alike to enjoy each other before that ;))but we both agree that as it is good it has also kept us from learning and welcoming other friendships into our lives. Each of us has always been called into different types of ministry for different seasons and thus being together just can't really work! I never thought we'd have moved back to my hometown, but now having been back five years I can see how it was a season to establish our family and reunite our family after my brother was in the Airforce for six years. It's been an incredible time of growth, healing, and learning together as each of us has been iron sharpening iron, as the bible says. While telling people about this move, we have generally had great responses though some have been very sad for my family missing out on the growth of our three little girls. But something has struck me so strongly that I cannot be shaken from this decision- even if nothing else were fitting into place (which it all is)I know that our story is like that found in Matthew 25:14 in the Parable of the Talents. The Lord has given us much, and we are just sitting on the gifts we have for the world out of fear and possibly laziness. To whom is given much, much is to be expected. Thus the Lord has given us a calling and in order to live a life worthy of the calling that we have received (Eph. 4:1) we had better get off our behinds and get moving! We only have a short life to multiply what the Lord has given us to do and so far we've just slipped into comfort. The Lord didn't call us to be comfortable or tell us that it would be easy, just that we needed to do it. SO... Here we go! 12 days until we leave! My house is a complete disaster, I'm surprised that i've been able to put enough cognitive thoughts together to even write this, and there is SO much more to do! We would love your prayers during this time if you're the praying sort- if not support goes a long way as well! We are excited to break out of this cycle and spread our wings a little, we're ready to have Bryce be in a more positive, less taxing job and we're ready to see what awaits us on the other side. I cry thinking about every piece of this puzzle, my entire family, extended and immediate are almost all here in this area. But i adore Bryce's family as well, they have become as true as blood and I am thrilled to get some good growing time with them. There's a sermon out there by a guy named Brian with Hillsong church that is called "living in your own grace" and when i heard it i just could not believe how excited i was about it! My in law's certainly know their grace zone, their undeserved God given talent and are living in it! I know that we are called to come along side them and get rolling on some really great stuff, so stay tuned if you'd like to hear where we end up and how it's going over there! Also, if you need anything we might be getting rid of (pretty much EVERYTHING) we're having a Moving sale this saturday from 9am-3pm! Love you all, thanks for caring enough to read this mumbojumbo

Greedy

Lately I've been thinking a lot about being greedy. I suppose it comes from our newest lesson we've had to teach our oldest girl Lucy. The other day she just would NOT share these random toys she had gotten attached to that day. Literally- a cup, a comb, two plastic rings, a baby crunchy paper toy thing and some random other stuff. Anyway her sister was trying to sit by her and play but Lucy was having none of it. She was screaming and crying and carrying on that Bryn was taking her special things. So Bryce tried the "stand with your nose in the corner" which she HATES, thus sometimes it is effective. Continually she would step out and go back to her selfishness. Tired of trying to help her understand the merits of sharing and how God shares with us, I asked her which was more important to her, sister or toys? When she replied toys i immediately filled with a mix between anger and defensiveness of my other daughter and complete and utter failure as a mother. Bryce and I stood up, and emptied her room and toy area completely of toys. The entire time she was screaming and crying so hard her dress was soaked and anguish had taken over. I knew in my heart it was right, because that was RIDICULOUS. All the while Bryn is trying to share her things with Lucy to help her feel better. Lucy was instructed that until she could learn how important her sister is and how to value people she would not have toys to play with. I have not regretted this decision as I've been able to watch a whole new girl appear of whom i am so pleased! Also during this time we've decided to take June off of Netflix shows and any movies at all (we don't have t.v.). I just last week decided i was also finished with facebook for a while. I really cannot describe the clarity i feel. It may sound strange but I am now able to see that we just got lost in the entertainment of stuff all the time we forgot how to be creative and use our minds to do anything. It's also quite remarkable how quiet God seems when you're so busy- and then suddenly when all other distractions are gone you hear him loud and clear and frequently. No wonder we've been waiting for answers for so long! We probably couldn't even hear what our next step should be! It has been beautiful to watch the kids invent new games, though i am much more tired these days being that they were getting out EVERY toy EVERY day! Until we took them away, then every book came out and was read, as well as all of the coloring books and couch cushions turned into forts. What a beautiful life we have! I just feel like i'm reveling in how lucky i am to have this time with my three beauties. I look at Lucy, then back to Avery and i cannot even believe she was once that small! It really is like a flash and they're grown- so i am determined to absorb them and all of their silliness while they're still confident to show it to me! The other day Bryce and i went on a date- SO good to have time together- anyways we were talking about the kids and i was saying our children are going to have some ridiculous stories on me when they're older. Honestly i suppose you'd have to be my child or husband to truly see what life is like here with me- a small glimpse- every single day at lunch time i sing the "peanut butter jelly time" song (on youtube) and dance around the house for them. They LOVE it (right now.) But I want them to know that being a goof is perfectly acceptable. I am comfortable with me, i am confident in myself and I want them to know they're secure in each part of their personalities as well. I suppose back to my greedy thoughts. I feel like we get so greedy all caught up in what "I want" and "what makes ME feel better" and all of those selfish things that we are just constantly satiating ourselves to the point of almost bursting. Then we just fall into a restless sleep wondering why it is we can't get our minds to relax, why we feel over weight and uncomfortable, why our children don't respect us and we realize we don't even know them, and why so many souls are so lost and alone. We just want to cover up worries, bury the bad and the heartbreaking and pretend something else is our life. We end up relating our situations with T.V. sitcoms and thinking somehow that's normal- but that was taped months ago with actors and half cardboard cutouts painted like a living room. I am so guilty of this- being selfish. Getting my own mind focused on whatever i want and being unwilling to change it. I catch myself actually going so far as to say "I just want to wind down and zone out on nothing." So i fill my mind with meaningless fake stuff like actors playing a role that's as real as the laughter in the background of it. Thus i am trying to learn the lesson Lucy has learned a week ago- to take away all those things i cling to and learn to also value relationships. My relationship with her, her sisters, my husband and so many others that i have "zoned" away from for a long time. I want to be a friend, and i can't do that if i'm so focused on "me" problems. The other day I was telling an old friend, whom is going through a lot of life changes at the moment, that they don't ever stop. So when you focus on your troubles and let that run your life thinking "when this is over I'll..." you'll never get there! I find myself doing that all the time! Because really when does it ever stop? When does it get easier, when do big things stop happening and things stop changing? Better yet don't we want to keep changing and maturing? I do! Thus I don't want to do that in my life anymore, I want to value those things in my relationship enough now to demand time for them.

Updates, MOPS, Chicks, etc.

I don't know if it's summer that helps my perspective, or just this season of life we're in right now- but I've just been so gratefully blessed by all the little things in my life. My girls are growing up so fast. It delights me to see them grow and learn new things, yet it also breaks my heart and i find that i am regularly fighting tears watching them grow. Lucy will be four in September. FOUR. Is that possible? I cannot believe time flew so fast. She has the most beautiful long shiny brown curly hair, sweet blue eyes and a paler skin tone. She is happy and organized, sweet and thoughtful, adventurous and a very very quick learner. She never misses a beat. She reminds me so much of myself as a child in her flair for the dramatic, it seriously makes me laugh. Brynlee is our sweet little comedian. She will be TWO next month! I look at how fast her hair has grown and listen to the little sentences she picks up regularly and I just marvel that she was once so tiny and is now getting so big! She is built more like her dad, long torso and short stocky legs. She's got his hair color (dark sandy blond) and my more olive skin tone. She is seriously the funniest child I've ever been around! She makes everything a joke, loves the outdoors and anything messy. She is trying to potty train a little here and there and it cracks me up, she even does THAT funny! She follows her sister everywhere yelling and trying to take her stuff and somehow blame it on Lucy and get her in trouble, sly little booger. Her favorite thing to say is "I love you SO much, across the river!" Of course it sounds more like "I yuv you O mush, cross da RIVA!" but you get what i'm saying :) And our sweetie little Avery... Oh my here i thought she would be our mellow kid and so far she is NOT. She is happy, don't get me wrong, but now that she's moving, she does NOT stop. She will just roll and roll and roll, and do that throw-the-head-back-into-your-chest-when-sitting-on-your-lap thing. She is going on SEVEN months old now! My little surprise, growing up so fast! She LOVES her sisters, wants to be where they are all the time. She is also a very vigorous eater since finding out table food was for her too, she will seriously scream at me until i stick some of my food in her mouth! She is fun, very happy, very sweet. Her hair is turning bleach white blond, so right now it looks really neat with the white roots and the darker dirty blond at the tips. The Lord has been showing me a lot of really great stuff lately. First, I really want to be an unoffendable person. I know it's not a word but the point is still made- I want to know who i am so confidently that I let any sort of offense roll right off my back. Those people tend to be easier friends. I want to be a better friend, i want to worry less that no one will like my goofiness once they see it and more that I am who God created me to be. I know there are people out there who need a friend, a friend like Jesus and maybe if i could look and act more like him I could be that type of friend. Plus it takes way too much energy and emotion to constantly feel like someone doesn't like you. I don't want people to feel like they have to be sensitive with me. Through that whole thing I also have felt for months like I am supposed to start a moms group here in town. I really have doubts that i'll be the right kind of leader for this type of group but nonetheless I will be doing what I'm told by the Lord and stepping out in faith. So, I am currently working to start a MOPS group here in Waldport. There isn't one for at least 50 miles and i know a ton of moms with youngens that need fellowship and friends (myself included.) My dear husband assures me that I am gifted in this area and can totally make this happen, so with prayer and obedience i am blindly stepping out hoping i'm not the only one in this area needing some camaraderie! What a gift Bryce is to me, always encouraging, loving and accepting. He confronts me in positive careful ways and is gracious to forgive and move on. I adore him, literally more than ever and next month we will celebrate FIVE YEARS OF MARRIAGE! They have been amazing years, and boy am i ever grateful that we waited for the right person and found each other on that plane to Africa. What an inspiring man he is! Also- update on our tiny farm, um i LOVE having chickens:) Everyone has been teasing me because of how i've adopted them as my own little youngens but hey, they don't have a mommy so i guess ill have to suffice. The other day the dog somehow got their pen door open and chased Missy out (my nickname for Mrs. Butterworth) and i had to follow her feathers, barefoot in the mist to find her huddling below the empty house next door. She ran FAST across the driveway toward my parents and into the hedge, but eventually i got her pinned down to the ground and put back i her house. It reminded me of Africa- trying to help the Komani people catch their wild chickens for a meal, they are FAST and very agile! Anyway, it has give us both the major desire to have more animals, more land, all of that stuff. We're natural born ranchers i suppose- so someday we hope to have a lot more going on! What a blessed life we lead, no matter whats around the corner (which we really don't have direction on where we're headed yet as far as new stages of life) we'll just keep on following and enjoying the moments we have together!

Back to Nutrition

Okay- so i may have sidelined my blog for a while- tangents are impossible to avoid in my head and apparently in my blogs as well! So... thus brings me to our next step toward total organic eating. In a small town it can work out one of two ways- either your grocery stores only have a tiny organic section and you don't have a lot of places to get stuff, but you can go to people you know who milk their own cows and goats, sell at the farmers market, or there is a town co-op you can order through. The other is probably that you live in a bigger city with natural food stores or larger organic sections in your Dillons or Fred Meyer. We have found an incredible co-op that probably also delivers to your state and possibly town- called Azure Standard. This co-op is based out of Oregon, my home state, and sells all organic natural foods. We have begun ordering almost all of our groceries from them and LOVE it! They deliver once a month and through co-op you don't have to pay shipping as long as your drop point makes the minimum(550 total, each order of 50). There are lots of co-ops out there, you just have to delve into some culture first to find out who knows about them! Our next step, as i prefaced, was picking up six little chicklets yesterday! They are SO cute! We have two black ones and four yellow ones that will be red when they are grown. They are just over a week old and live in my utility room in a red rubbermaid box under a heat lamp. Messy little buggers too! The girls love them! We already decided on names, because Bryce and I share a bizarre sense of humor- we have named the black ones Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth. Our red ones are named Myrtle, Gertrude, Ethel and Hortense. I know but old clucky hens needed older lady names, they're the only ones that fit! haha I know, i know you're wondering how weird we are... just don't ask, you may not want to know! Anyway, we figure in 9-12 months these organic fed little ladies will produce us about an egg a day each! Big brown beautiful organic eggs. If you've ever had one, you KNOW you cannot get an egg so good anywhere else! We decided we will keep them here but if family wants to put money in for food we will share eggs. Just an idea! Also i have stumbled onto a very rich and delicious food that the girls actually love! About a month ago my mom made us a snack out in the sunshine of apples and dates, they were SO good! When you eat a date and a slice of organic apple together- it tastes like caramel apples! My husband says I have a terrible sweet tooth, so finding something that's actually healthy and tastes sweet is perfect for me. My kids like them too, so I'll just keep them around. They are packed with fiber, iron, oil, calcium, sulphur, potassium, phosphorus, manganese, magnesium and copper. Dates help in fighting a lot health problems. So try one:) We did a fast a couple weeks ago for Easter, I did a partial juice fast since i am still breastfeeding Avery, but ate only organic food and all natural juices we made ourselves with our masticating juicer (does TONS of things, will make pasta, nut butters, juices, grinds coffee beans or food, and will mill flour from grains). We broke our fast with organic foods as a church body Saturday night, but through that cleansing and commitment to eat so well I noticed that after that each time i have eaten food at a restaurant or anything that was GMO or not organic i got really sick! So it's amazing what an incredible change it does on your body. I feel so much more energized, my body has put on muscle much faster during resistance training and I don't have as many stomach problems from eating junk. I suppose that's all for today, but i must include this snippet of conversation i observed while writing this, all i can say is like mother like daughter.... I overheard Lucy while wearing just her panties standing on the couch swinging a cup around at a microscopic spider say this... "Dang it spider, i wasn't trying to hurt you, i was trying to kill you! You need to die, why cant i kill you, i need TO KILL IT, he's climbing quick, i have to kill it, oh no its running, i didn't mean to kill you, i want to kill you spider. Mom i meant to kill it but it didn't hear me! I want it OUT of the house, i'm gonna kill it RIGHT now. If he's gonna climb the wall i'm gonna nail him, oh no! I want him to die! i DONT WANT THE SPIDER TO HURT ME. Up spider up up up. Spider, up up find the mommy spider quick " all while weilding a cup that she keeps smacking into the wall... Finally i decided to put her out of her misery, "Lu do you want me to kill it for you?" And so i did and she felt much better, made me promise we'd never let one in the house again! Have a great day!

Being real

I suppose it's okay for me to admit that my marriage is not perfect.
It's really amazing, what I believe to be a true and incredible gift from God. I also believe that the way Bryce and I walk through our marriage is the way God intended it to be. Pursue, pursue, pursue with a side of always working toward unconditional love.

But one thing I'm learning from my side of this picture is this:

Walls between you and your spouse are built one stone at a time, most of them small and seemingly unimportant.

It seems like the walls start with just deciding you'll stay mad even though they've apologized, or allowing the other to walk out of the room sad and alone and leave them there. Going to bed angry might be one, or refusing to take their advice and change something in your life for the better.

I am amazed by how easy it is for our human nature to step in and push and kick and scream and throw our little fits at our partner and then still EXPECT THEM to come fix it. What effort did I put in? If I'm being stubborn and ungrateful, no matter how much pursuing he does I'll still be stubborn and ungrateful unless I choose to change my attitude.

So many times it seems that we think the problem lies in our spouse- THEY have GOT to change or this thing won't work. I've heard it from married couples before. If that's your attitude, no amount of changing on their part is actually going to help you. Until you step back and decide that no matter their response, you're going to choose love and forgiveness and serve however you can, your marriage will continue to be agonizing. I have seen, and found out myself that the best moments in marriage are when you've served and laid down your own life for theirs.

Thus i repeat, walls start with little stones, ones we think won't matter- hanging onto something we feel is important and bringing it up at a later date... "I'll do __ for him/her, but I will NOT do ___." My goal is to make sure those little stones get swept away every single time i lay them there, before any others can be piled on.

It's worth it, marriage can be heavenly, it can endure quite a lot and still survive- if you can get rid of those walls and be open and vulnerable enough to let your partner in, KNOWING they WILL disappoint and hurt you at some point, but if you can stay open through that the Lord will protect your heart and reward your patience and openness.