Sunday, June 17, 2012
Lately I've been thinking a lot about being greedy. I suppose it comes from our newest lesson we've had to teach our oldest girl Lucy. The other day she just would NOT share these random toys she had gotten attached to that day. Literally- a cup, a comb, two plastic rings, a baby crunchy paper toy thing and some random other stuff. Anyway her sister was trying to sit by her and play but Lucy was having none of it. She was screaming and crying and carrying on that Bryn was taking her special things. So Bryce tried the "stand with your nose in the corner" which she HATES, thus sometimes it is effective. Continually she would step out and go back to her selfishness. Tired of trying to help her understand the merits of sharing and how God shares with us, I asked her which was more important to her, sister or toys? When she replied toys i immediately filled with a mix between anger and defensiveness of my other daughter and complete and utter failure as a mother. Bryce and I stood up, and emptied her room and toy area completely of toys. The entire time she was screaming and crying so hard her dress was soaked and anguish had taken over. I knew in my heart it was right, because that was RIDICULOUS. All the while Bryn is trying to share her things with Lucy to help her feel better. Lucy was instructed that until she could learn how important her sister is and how to value people she would not have toys to play with. I have not regretted this decision as I've been able to watch a whole new girl appear of whom i am so pleased! Also during this time we've decided to take June off of Netflix shows and any movies at all (we don't have t.v.). I just last week decided i was also finished with facebook for a while. I really cannot describe the clarity i feel. It may sound strange but I am now able to see that we just got lost in the entertainment of stuff all the time we forgot how to be creative and use our minds to do anything. It's also quite remarkable how quiet God seems when you're so busy- and then suddenly when all other distractions are gone you hear him loud and clear and frequently. No wonder we've been waiting for answers for so long! We probably couldn't even hear what our next step should be! It has been beautiful to watch the kids invent new games, though i am much more tired these days being that they were getting out EVERY toy EVERY day! Until we took them away, then every book came out and was read, as well as all of the coloring books and couch cushions turned into forts. What a beautiful life we have! I just feel like i'm reveling in how lucky i am to have this time with my three beauties. I look at Lucy, then back to Avery and i cannot even believe she was once that small! It really is like a flash and they're grown- so i am determined to absorb them and all of their silliness while they're still confident to show it to me! The other day Bryce and i went on a date- SO good to have time together- anyways we were talking about the kids and i was saying our children are going to have some ridiculous stories on me when they're older. Honestly i suppose you'd have to be my child or husband to truly see what life is like here with me- a small glimpse- every single day at lunch time i sing the "peanut butter jelly time" song (on youtube) and dance around the house for them. They LOVE it (right now.) But I want them to know that being a goof is perfectly acceptable. I am comfortable with me, i am confident in myself and I want them to know they're secure in each part of their personalities as well. I suppose back to my greedy thoughts. I feel like we get so greedy all caught up in what "I want" and "what makes ME feel better" and all of those selfish things that we are just constantly satiating ourselves to the point of almost bursting. Then we just fall into a restless sleep wondering why it is we can't get our minds to relax, why we feel over weight and uncomfortable, why our children don't respect us and we realize we don't even know them, and why so many souls are so lost and alone. We just want to cover up worries, bury the bad and the heartbreaking and pretend something else is our life. We end up relating our situations with T.V. sitcoms and thinking somehow that's normal- but that was taped months ago with actors and half cardboard cutouts painted like a living room. I am so guilty of this- being selfish. Getting my own mind focused on whatever i want and being unwilling to change it. I catch myself actually going so far as to say "I just want to wind down and zone out on nothing." So i fill my mind with meaningless fake stuff like actors playing a role that's as real as the laughter in the background of it. Thus i am trying to learn the lesson Lucy has learned a week ago- to take away all those things i cling to and learn to also value relationships. My relationship with her, her sisters, my husband and so many others that i have "zoned" away from for a long time. I want to be a friend, and i can't do that if i'm so focused on "me" problems. The other day I was telling an old friend, whom is going through a lot of life changes at the moment, that they don't ever stop. So when you focus on your troubles and let that run your life thinking "when this is over I'll..." you'll never get there! I find myself doing that all the time! Because really when does it ever stop? When does it get easier, when do big things stop happening and things stop changing? Better yet don't we want to keep changing and maturing? I do! Thus I don't want to do that in my life anymore, I want to value those things in my relationship enough now to demand time for them.
Monday, June 4, 2012
I don't know if it's summer that helps my perspective, or just this season of life we're in right now- but I've just been so gratefully blessed by all the little things in my life. My girls are growing up so fast. It delights me to see them grow and learn new things, yet it also breaks my heart and i find that i am regularly fighting tears watching them grow. Lucy will be four in September. FOUR. Is that possible? I cannot believe time flew so fast. She has the most beautiful long shiny brown curly hair, sweet blue eyes and a paler skin tone. She is happy and organized, sweet and thoughtful, adventurous and a very very quick learner. She never misses a beat. She reminds me so much of myself as a child in her flair for the dramatic, it seriously makes me laugh. Brynlee is our sweet little comedian. She will be TWO next month! I look at how fast her hair has grown and listen to the little sentences she picks up regularly and I just marvel that she was once so tiny and is now getting so big! She is built more like her dad, long torso and short stocky legs. She's got his hair color (dark sandy blond) and my more olive skin tone. She is seriously the funniest child I've ever been around! She makes everything a joke, loves the outdoors and anything messy. She is trying to potty train a little here and there and it cracks me up, she even does THAT funny! She follows her sister everywhere yelling and trying to take her stuff and somehow blame it on Lucy and get her in trouble, sly little booger. Her favorite thing to say is "I love you SO much, across the river!" Of course it sounds more like "I yuv you O mush, cross da RIVA!" but you get what i'm saying :) And our sweetie little Avery... Oh my here i thought she would be our mellow kid and so far she is NOT. She is happy, don't get me wrong, but now that she's moving, she does NOT stop. She will just roll and roll and roll, and do that throw-the-head-back-into-your-chest-when-sitting-on-your-lap thing. She is going on SEVEN months old now! My little surprise, growing up so fast! She LOVES her sisters, wants to be where they are all the time. She is also a very vigorous eater since finding out table food was for her too, she will seriously scream at me until i stick some of my food in her mouth! She is fun, very happy, very sweet. Her hair is turning bleach white blond, so right now it looks really neat with the white roots and the darker dirty blond at the tips. The Lord has been showing me a lot of really great stuff lately. First, I really want to be an unoffendable person. I know it's not a word but the point is still made- I want to know who i am so confidently that I let any sort of offense roll right off my back. Those people tend to be easier friends. I want to be a better friend, i want to worry less that no one will like my goofiness once they see it and more that I am who God created me to be. I know there are people out there who need a friend, a friend like Jesus and maybe if i could look and act more like him I could be that type of friend. Plus it takes way too much energy and emotion to constantly feel like someone doesn't like you. I don't want people to feel like they have to be sensitive with me. Through that whole thing I also have felt for months like I am supposed to start a moms group here in town. I really have doubts that i'll be the right kind of leader for this type of group but nonetheless I will be doing what I'm told by the Lord and stepping out in faith. So, I am currently working to start a MOPS group here in Waldport. There isn't one for at least 50 miles and i know a ton of moms with youngens that need fellowship and friends (myself included.) My dear husband assures me that I am gifted in this area and can totally make this happen, so with prayer and obedience i am blindly stepping out hoping i'm not the only one in this area needing some camaraderie! What a gift Bryce is to me, always encouraging, loving and accepting. He confronts me in positive careful ways and is gracious to forgive and move on. I adore him, literally more than ever and next month we will celebrate FIVE YEARS OF MARRIAGE! They have been amazing years, and boy am i ever grateful that we waited for the right person and found each other on that plane to Africa. What an inspiring man he is! Also- update on our tiny farm, um i LOVE having chickens:) Everyone has been teasing me because of how i've adopted them as my own little youngens but hey, they don't have a mommy so i guess ill have to suffice. The other day the dog somehow got their pen door open and chased Missy out (my nickname for Mrs. Butterworth) and i had to follow her feathers, barefoot in the mist to find her huddling below the empty house next door. She ran FAST across the driveway toward my parents and into the hedge, but eventually i got her pinned down to the ground and put back i her house. It reminded me of Africa- trying to help the Komani people catch their wild chickens for a meal, they are FAST and very agile! Anyway, it has give us both the major desire to have more animals, more land, all of that stuff. We're natural born ranchers i suppose- so someday we hope to have a lot more going on! What a blessed life we lead, no matter whats around the corner (which we really don't have direction on where we're headed yet as far as new stages of life) we'll just keep on following and enjoying the moments we have together!