Sunday, June 17, 2012
Lately I've been thinking a lot about being greedy. I suppose it comes from our newest lesson we've had to teach our oldest girl Lucy. The other day she just would NOT share these random toys she had gotten attached to that day. Literally- a cup, a comb, two plastic rings, a baby crunchy paper toy thing and some random other stuff. Anyway her sister was trying to sit by her and play but Lucy was having none of it. She was screaming and crying and carrying on that Bryn was taking her special things. So Bryce tried the "stand with your nose in the corner" which she HATES, thus sometimes it is effective. Continually she would step out and go back to her selfishness. Tired of trying to help her understand the merits of sharing and how God shares with us, I asked her which was more important to her, sister or toys? When she replied toys i immediately filled with a mix between anger and defensiveness of my other daughter and complete and utter failure as a mother. Bryce and I stood up, and emptied her room and toy area completely of toys. The entire time she was screaming and crying so hard her dress was soaked and anguish had taken over. I knew in my heart it was right, because that was RIDICULOUS. All the while Bryn is trying to share her things with Lucy to help her feel better. Lucy was instructed that until she could learn how important her sister is and how to value people she would not have toys to play with. I have not regretted this decision as I've been able to watch a whole new girl appear of whom i am so pleased! Also during this time we've decided to take June off of Netflix shows and any movies at all (we don't have t.v.). I just last week decided i was also finished with facebook for a while. I really cannot describe the clarity i feel. It may sound strange but I am now able to see that we just got lost in the entertainment of stuff all the time we forgot how to be creative and use our minds to do anything. It's also quite remarkable how quiet God seems when you're so busy- and then suddenly when all other distractions are gone you hear him loud and clear and frequently. No wonder we've been waiting for answers for so long! We probably couldn't even hear what our next step should be! It has been beautiful to watch the kids invent new games, though i am much more tired these days being that they were getting out EVERY toy EVERY day! Until we took them away, then every book came out and was read, as well as all of the coloring books and couch cushions turned into forts. What a beautiful life we have! I just feel like i'm reveling in how lucky i am to have this time with my three beauties. I look at Lucy, then back to Avery and i cannot even believe she was once that small! It really is like a flash and they're grown- so i am determined to absorb them and all of their silliness while they're still confident to show it to me! The other day Bryce and i went on a date- SO good to have time together- anyways we were talking about the kids and i was saying our children are going to have some ridiculous stories on me when they're older. Honestly i suppose you'd have to be my child or husband to truly see what life is like here with me- a small glimpse- every single day at lunch time i sing the "peanut butter jelly time" song (on youtube) and dance around the house for them. They LOVE it (right now.) But I want them to know that being a goof is perfectly acceptable. I am comfortable with me, i am confident in myself and I want them to know they're secure in each part of their personalities as well. I suppose back to my greedy thoughts. I feel like we get so greedy all caught up in what "I want" and "what makes ME feel better" and all of those selfish things that we are just constantly satiating ourselves to the point of almost bursting. Then we just fall into a restless sleep wondering why it is we can't get our minds to relax, why we feel over weight and uncomfortable, why our children don't respect us and we realize we don't even know them, and why so many souls are so lost and alone. We just want to cover up worries, bury the bad and the heartbreaking and pretend something else is our life. We end up relating our situations with T.V. sitcoms and thinking somehow that's normal- but that was taped months ago with actors and half cardboard cutouts painted like a living room. I am so guilty of this- being selfish. Getting my own mind focused on whatever i want and being unwilling to change it. I catch myself actually going so far as to say "I just want to wind down and zone out on nothing." So i fill my mind with meaningless fake stuff like actors playing a role that's as real as the laughter in the background of it. Thus i am trying to learn the lesson Lucy has learned a week ago- to take away all those things i cling to and learn to also value relationships. My relationship with her, her sisters, my husband and so many others that i have "zoned" away from for a long time. I want to be a friend, and i can't do that if i'm so focused on "me" problems. The other day I was telling an old friend, whom is going through a lot of life changes at the moment, that they don't ever stop. So when you focus on your troubles and let that run your life thinking "when this is over I'll..." you'll never get there! I find myself doing that all the time! Because really when does it ever stop? When does it get easier, when do big things stop happening and things stop changing? Better yet don't we want to keep changing and maturing? I do! Thus I don't want to do that in my life anymore, I want to value those things in my relationship enough now to demand time for them.