Friday, October 25, 2013


Every time people see that I am pregnant with my fourth baby I get this wide eyed crazy lady stare. I realize most people these days only want a couple children, and mine are quite close together- but i LOVE having children! I always wanted four and though pregnancy is usually a little challenging for me I adore that the Lord has blessed my body and my heart with four little gifts.

This week I have been really gearing up and preparing for labor. I had a major mental shift recently from "I'm so tired and I always have to do too much work and not enough rest" and the internally selfish perspective of that to "I am SO ecstatic about where I am and that I get to give birth soon! What an honor!"

It came at the perfect time as well. This weekend was supposed to be a sort of "babymoon" for Bryce and I, a chance to get away together and be part of one of our most looked forward to events of the year. But as it stood it just wasn't working out and I felt the Lord grant peace over my heart in staying behind to be with our girls and rest up for the coming weeks. It would have been a difficult trip for me this late in pregnancy anyway. But it was a difficult decision as we desperately miss time together and need to get away! Plus sometimes being alone with little ones is a little frightening for me! Perspective is everything though isn't it? If you think about it, YES it is! You can change the outcome of your current situation JUST by changing your attitude. We try to teach our children this everyday, because as a kid you don't control much about your life. So we are sure to remind them that the one thing they do get to choose is what attitude they present to the world. I am not necessarily an excellent example of this, but as the Lord has been reminding me so much lately to be constantly evaluating my own attitude I feel that I'm improving!

So, this weekend is going to be, and has already started out as glorious! It has really made me excited about having three little girls! We spent time snuggling and watching princess shows, ate snacks, painted our nails, blow dried our hair after a warm bath, decided on sewing projects for the dolls, and even spoke to my parents on the phone. I have been working so much in the mornings lately that I've just missed these lazy days playing and enjoying my girls! I am now only working a couple days  a week which will really help my energy as well as helping them adjust before the baby comes. I can tell they are a little nervous and excited about the baby, so I want to bless them this last little bit of time so they know they are loved!

I am reading Ina May's guide to childbirth and BOY has it opened my eyes! I mean I have kinda steered toward hippyish these last few years anyway just by way of nutrition and health, but I hadn't really read into and understood birth as much as i should have five years ago! Birth is incredible and I am SO excited that i get to do it again!

Yes, I did just say that :) I know- every single time I talk to women about birth they think I am NUTS for not wanting epidurals, c section, or hospital birth. I hear almost every time "God made Dr.s and scientists to invent epidurals so you don't have to go through the pain!" But my perspective doesn't stem from pain, and it doesnt stem from trying to be macho or show up other women. I LOVE labor! It is NOT an illness, it is just treated like one! It is such an incredibly empowering gift that God made our bodies to not only put together a child inside of ourselves, but then gifted us with the ability to push the baby out! All the physiological, emotional and hormonal processes our bodies are intended to go through during labor are so amazing- yet generally missing when used in tandem with narcotics, interventions and surgery. It is mind blowing to me that women in our U.S. culture do not know that much about labor! We are so fearful of it that when a woman says she wants to go natural we think she's one of those weirdos trying to prove how awesome they are. But really it is a woman saying "I am not afraid of this process, I can mentally handle the pain, my body was made for this." It is a difference in perspective. As I said above, a choice in attitude.
No i don't mean to say that some C-sections are unavoidable, or that Dr.'s are bad- I mean to say how your labor goes should be your choice completely and should be approached without fear, but with excitement- giddy ridiculous excitement! You are marvelous! You are MADE to have this baby come out of you and not leave you broken!

Anyway, no high horse needed here- I do not see myself as better or stronger than any other woman out there, but i do know my perspective is different than most. I don't love pain, I love that my body can do this, I love proving to myself that God made me miraculous and with the insane ability to bring a child into the world without incident. I've had three very different birth experiences, and this one will also be quite different. I've experienced a lot with my three kids! I think this time is going to be so insanely joyous that I will not even be able to describe it to others. Fear free, panic free, busy-ness free, it is going to be amazing!

If you are planning to have babies or are pregnant- or want more kids you should definitely read this book by Ina May Gaskin! She has been a midwife since the 60s and has some incredible stories and insights into things that you may not realize are possible for you! It is a very empowering and freeing book, and will definitely prepare and excite you for labor even if you've never done it before. Don't believe the hype you see and hear from T.V. pregnancies or even your friends, labor is safe and beautiful!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

What right do we really have to our feelings?

Oh boy.
This lady has been learning some tough lessons lately.
I'll tell ya, this has been one of the hardest seasons of life I can remember to date. Walking through health challenges with Bryce was no doubt difficult, but this seems to be on a whole new level as we fight daily to accomplish our dreams and passionately pursue God's promise over our lives. We knew it would not be easy, but still daily we can get easily overwhelmed with the upfront cost of dreams.

Today I was so completely caught off guard feeling bad for myself. I could literally make you a huge list of reasons why i was righteously upset, and trust me you would probably get upset right along with me and pump me an air fist of "you didn't deserve that girl!" But what good would that do me? Or you? It definitely would not be encouraging, and it wouldn't help me in dealing with whatever it is I need to deal with. So instead, I warned Bryce of my mood and put my headphones on for some worship music, good old musical conviction right there :)

Grace. Something I have desperately been working toward, a word I feel the Lord gave me to strive toward and believe I can achieve. I'll tell ya, He has certainly put me in a place to HAVE to learn it or be drowned by it!

What right do we really have to our feelings? It seems like our culture encourages us to act on our feelings, to express them. We constantly are building each others feelings up. When we are angry we want someone to express their disgust that we've been treated wrongly and so our feelings get stronger and we may respond back in anger to those that hurt us. What benefit is there to this? There is no benefit for the one hurt, or the one who harmed them, or the friend that encouraged the anger. All it did was serve to make a bad situation worse, or make a situation out of nothing really.

So i find myself contemplating this as I start adding up all the things in my life that I do in unnoticed service for others. The fact I realize is that this is what I am called to do, adding them up doesn't make me have to do less, It just changes the attitude and heart I have about them. They move from service to martyrdom, as though I am looking for great recognition, tears of gratitude, someone else to suddenly do it all for me. None of those are going to happen and even if they did it does not change the fact that I was called to do them, not my husband, my kids or anyone else. Not only that but I rob my family of the blessing from my service when I do it in anger or resentment. No longer do they feel loved and cared for and able to operate in their giftings and go about their day with confidence, now they know I'm upset and ungrateful that I have to serve them. They cannot enjoy the dinner I made, the dishes I washed, or the toys I put away. Bath time becomes rough and impatient as I'm thinking about all the things I have to do for them before bed, instead of a silly bonding time that we can laugh together and they know their mother delights in them.

Again, I ask you, what benefit do your feelings play in your daily life? Are they not for a purpose? As children of God we are not given the right to express and discuss and feel our feelings. It doesn't encourage those around us, it doesn't help anyone to accomplish what they have to or have been called to, it distracts from seeing the gifts from the Lord in each and every day. It wastes so much time!

As soon as my attitude was adjusted, because music is the window to peace for me, and cried out all my self pity, I realized that none of it was the fault of my children or husband, it was my own selfish nature wishing for some attention- and it doesn't deserve any. There is blessing even in suffering, though i don't consider chores necessarily suffering. But sometimes feeling as though you're unappreciated can feel like suffering, and though it is a relevant thing to feel- it definitely benefits no one for us to express or focus on it. The Lord wants to bless us through our willing service, a loving attitude, a desire to help others for nothing in return. He returns in ten fold more than a person could anyway!'

If you're a mama and you've not seen "the invisible woman" look it up on youtube, it's only a few minutes but it really helps to illustrate the reason why we serve our families, we do it for the Lord and because it glorifies Him!

Also checkout the song "Steady my heart" By Kari Jobe, it really helps me adjust my attitude when I just know it's wrong.

Life is hard, we go through seasons of great testing of our faith and those seasons feel heavy and difficult to bear, but the Lord gives them to us as gifts, to gain faith and grace and an understanding of who He is and what He goes through. If we can constantly keep our attitudes in check and see them as gifts, they stop being so much to bear and we begin to walk through them with gladness and joy instead of self pity, doubt and anxiety. He is great, He is loving, and though we feel anything hard should not be from Him- we have the opportunity to grow and He knows we CAN make that choice and He allows us to walk through those things to prove to ourselves that we are strong and we can go through fire. It's worth it guys, you're not alone walking down a hard road, I am feeling a little lost right along with you!