Monday, June 24, 2013

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it

I am such an Israelite. I mean really, I know I cannot be the only one that silently judges the Israelites a little bit when reading the old testament, seriously come ON people, He parted the red sea! AFTER the plagues, how could you EVER doubt God after any of those miracles? I often think if I had been one of them I surely would not have doubted God and would have worshipped freely and with excitement through each trial knowing He had some crazy amazing way of coming through for us.

Yet I look back in my own life and find so many of the same type of moments- moments where there was no other way but God. He was the only one that could have orchestrated the events that have taken place in my 27 years. The way I came to know Him was a miracle in and of itself. My dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict, when i was just over a year old he had multiple heart attacks and chose to go through treatment. While he was there my mom was invited to a church bible study while out smoking and walking the neighborhood with me and my older brother. She decided to give it a shot, she gave her life to Christ and he followed almost a year later after much hesitation. The Lord had my family set to know Him from the beginning but neither came from churched homes and were so very lost. God is a big God. My dad is the only one from his recovery group that never relapsed and it has been 26 years!

Bryce and I recently had a discussion about the way the Lord has orchestrated our lives, that they have never fit into anyone's typical box and mostly made no sense to anyone. But we have followed the voice of God each turn and found that He blessed the choices we made and our lives have blossomed and continue to reach new heights. I have always lived with the principle that I would rather be uncomfortable and barely making it and following the will of my Lord then to live outside His will in comfort. There is NO life outside His will for me. It is free will on my part, but His plan is so much better than mine! His ways SO much better than my own design! He doesn't put things together the way i ever imagined, but looking back i can see how some momentary painful things turned into the biggest blessings in my entire life and how they are setting me up to fulfill the calling I've received.

I deal a lot with anxieties, feeling totally swamped by responsibility and providing for our family and getting things done in the perfect timing, making decisions in the best interest of now four children. This is an area I have been greatly working on lately, seeking help wherever i can get it! But the best place? The bible. I woke up feeling overwhelmed this morning with the things i needed to do today and Bryce just gently reminded me i needed to go have some time with my bible and focus on the Lord. It changed my entire heart toward the day! Just being reminded of the gracious and beautiful character of Jesus first thing in the morning reminds me of how small my anxieties are but also that His grace encompasses all of them and whisks them away if I will just share them.

I was doing the dishes tonight after dinner, frustrated that they never end (right) reminded of all the events of the day, most of them feeling like getting knocked a step backward when we've been fighting to push against a powerful wind to press on to accomplish our dreams. We know our dreams don't match the world, we know we think in a different way, that we don't make sense for working so hard to change our lives and those around ours- but we also KNOW without a doubt that this was His design and we are to walk faithfully forward.
As I'm listening to worship music washing dishes my thoughts were wandering on the day wondering what in the world the Lord is doing, why would He call me so far from home? I'm desperately homesick, and our life there made sense. It had gotten comfortable and easy, and we knew that the Lord never called us to stay comfortable- thus we knew the shaking was coming, and boy has it! This move has been a ride. But how could I be so certain of His call on my life one moment and feel like He's forgotten me the next? I know I'm not the only one who goes there with their thoughts. Finances are tight and we all wonder where is He? He called us here, but why would He do that if He intended to leave me here to suffer alone and away from home? Just as the Israelites constantly saw the beautiful promises of God come to fruition and yet somehow continually felt forgotten and left behind.

Has God shown Himself faithful to you time and again over the years? Has He given you clear direction and spoken to you? He will not leave you! Don't let yourself slip into feeling like an Israelite! He never left them, the promised land was still waiting for them. Don't delay your promised land out of fear and doubt. The only one that pulls away from your relationship with Him is you, so if you feel far away know that He has stayed where He was and is waiting for you to turn to Him! He desperately wants to give you His grace and take your anxieties and fears and pull you into the cover of His wings, trust me they are big enough to cover anything you may have in your life. I don't care if you go to church or not- church in fact often seems to forget the simplicity of His love, grace and forgiveness. He wants YOU where YOU ARE. He has a beautiful plan and direction for you, full of grace and love and forgiveness and He waits to extend it anytime you are ready.

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