It has taken a LOT of prayer, but I do believe I now have a name for it: Post Partum Depression.
Yikes am I right? I know a lot of moms deal with baby blues, and I guess i assumed with this being my fourth baby I'd surely be out of the woods, yet the opposite is true. This has been the hardest three months of my life and for reasons i cannot even explain. I can reflect on my life and identify how happy and excited I am about it and yet I honestly don't feel happy. Feelings are deceiving, yet they are crucial to a woman and a mothers well being. It is difficult to describe the pain associated with this problem, and I am not one that has ever assigned random medical issues to myself, but this is true, diagnosable and I am beginning to recognize what it has done to my family.
I am having to fight the urge to keep my pride and refuse to share this with anyone, but I so badly want to recover and I recognize that first I need to be honest, and might possibly help another mother someday.
How is it that we can suffer so much heartache and anxiety after being gifted with bringing forth LIFE? I don't know that I'll ever understand why this has happened to me, but I'm determined to beat it.
If you're a new mama and you just cannot figure out why you cannot be "yourself" anymore? You might want to be aware of the symptoms of PPD(posted at the bottom). Post partum depression effects more women than we realize, but as a superhero mama thinking she should be able to cope with life, we feel there is something uniquely wrong with us, like we just weren't made to be good mothers. So far from the truth! Hormones sure do a number on us!
I want to be patient with my little ones again, to stop thinking of being alone in my bed with the TV on. I'm so ready to communicate with my husband better, be able to laugh and see life as a wonderfully joyful blessing and love every minute i have with little ones!
Mama's- if you feel like you're not good enough, or you feel overwhelmed, please know you're not alone! This veteran mama feels it as well. It can be so hard to take care of others when you feel like you're broken and dying inside. It can be so frustrating to feel like you're not seen, not loved, not needed or wanted, and heartbroken that it isn't coming natural to you. You want to serve and love your family yet you cannot even find a way to stop being so angry and crying. I know how you feel- I've thrown things (alone of course) and sobbed at the drop of a hat, hidden in the bathtub, stopped cooking almost altogether, been moody, angry, edgy, unhappy, grumpy, and panicky to get away. Yet when I'm away i only want to hug my children and make sure they know how i love them and want to be with them.
The depression started for me months before Rylynn was born and has only escalated. So, I'm working on it. No more. I'm ready to be myself again, enjoy life, find joy in silliness, spend time blessing my children, and sleep better.
If you're dealing with PPD or have in the past, feel free to message me for support or to help encourage me with your story and how you got on top of this nasty little robber of joy!
Baby blues symptoms
- Mood swings
- Decreased concentration
- Trouble sleeping
Postpartum depression symptoms
- Loss of appetite
- Intense irritability and anger
- Overwhelming fatigue
- Loss of interest in sex
- Lack of joy in life
- Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy
- Severe mood swings
- Difficulty bonding with your baby
- Withdrawal from family and friends
- Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby