Friday, March 2, 2012

My mothers legacy...

Over the course of four years, since my first pregnancy with Lucy, my mother has become more my mentor, my friend, and my hero. She's always been these things to me, but becoming a mother myself put her in a whole new light for me. She has always been beautifully protected, knowing what lines to draw with your children to protect them from worry or guilt. As a child i always knew how much she loved me, how much she was willing to give up just for me, and sometimes how overwhelming four whining voices can be!
The moment Lucy was born my mom stood to my left, my husband on the right. I remember looking from my new baby, to my husband, and then to her- tears running down her cheeks at her pure joy at seeing her little girl give birth. In that moment i felt a connection to her I'd never had before, i finally knew what the love of a mother really was, the most intense feeling of love I've ever experienced. It us unlike the love i have for my husband in that she is our creation, the pure expression of our love for each other.
So many new stages have come and gone with my children, my mom has been there to listen to my anger, fear, tears and hopes. She encourages me to seek the Lord in how i raise my children, to be consistent and to love without holding back.
Just recently I was sharing with her how lost I become in the everyday at times. We have a schedule that just scoots the day by so quickly at times that i can't even remember what day it is and often wake up feeling panicked trying to recall if today is sunday and i need to get the kids ready quickly (this takes two hours with all three of them, and one of me to do all of it). My mom is amazing, truly she is and she knew my desperation from a heart of experience. A few days later she brought me a journal she had written when i was little, a raw deep expression of prayers from a young Christian mothers heart, to show me how she dealt with the things i'm going through right now. The Lord told her it would be okay, and she trusted me with her thoughts.
What a beautiful gift! It has meant more to me than words can express, as we tend to dismiss advice of old but this journal gives me the unedited version of my mothers stresses, hopes, dreams, fears and frustrations- the exact same ones i deal with on a regular basis. She's always told me that she'd parent as best she could and then pray that the Lord would fill the gaps each night as she counted her failures. I have done this innumerable times, feeling inadequate for the time i could have been playing but sat folding laundry, or should have spent time reading with them, teaching them letters or going outside.
Reading through her thoughts I am reminded of so many biblical words... Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. He met Mary in her time of need, by our standards today she would have been judged poorly and looked down upon because she was an unwed poor, pregnant teenager. He has met every mother in every generation with the same burdens, hopes, fears, frustrations and hurts. He met my mom when I was little, and today I call her blessed for the sacrifices she made for me and my brothers. She always backed my dad up, she always loved even through complaints, she made sure we ate healthy, dressed nice, went and had fun, kept us safe from every bad character she could. She may look back and count the things she may have changed, but i look back and count the things i should have been more graciously thankful for!
Her words and my experience during those same years seem so different, yet in regards to us i see so much pride and love, she would have given anything for us and often did. When i was a teenager i remember trying to force her to buy herself socks and some new shirts, she just gave up any desire for new things in order that we would be provided for. It was beautiful, the incredible example of a mother that i get to follow and i know many others do as well. It reminds me that my time with my little ones is very short, my impact great, and their need intense. It reminds me that the things i feel have been felt by mothers across the globe for generations. It reminds me that God made a mothers heart exactly this way- to wake early in the morning thinking of her children, their needs, their desires, their precious spirit, that he created me to love my children with raw deep emotion, to guard my words as not to wound, but give them unabashedly to Him.
What an incredible season he has given me, and in this season i not only get to review my own thoughts and feelings, but i have hers to cry with, to agree with and to cherish as she spoke of her love for me each day. What an honor being called "mom" really is, I know when i say it to her it holds new meaning, and a new love.


  1. Your mom is an amazing woman and I am so glad that you have her. You also are an amazing mom and an amazing force for God. Thank you for sharing your heart and your struggle for it reminds me that I am not alone

    1. You are certainly not Tia! Being a mom is the most incredible calling, and also the hardest i think! Not hard by amount of work, but more the weight of responsibility. I commend you for working so hard and also taking care of him! The latter is already a full time job, but doing that and work is really intense and certainly gives you much more to do! He goes to sleep knowing you love him, as anyone who has been close to you knows:) You are full of love and encouragement! The good thing about God is that he loves you where you're at, no matter what the world says and judges, He knows your heart and will give you the strength to be the best mother you can! Love you!